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I unfortunately couldn't make the party as I was busy running one of the Frog's Roadshows, Stand Up Bolton. But, our roving reporter Der was there with his trusty notepad. So I'll hand you over to him - Lee.



It was a packed night from the start, a mixed crowd, many on their Christmas parties (prompting inimitable MC Dan Nightingale to point out, “You have some tight bosses – ‘No, don’t go out on a Friday or Saturday, that’d cost us’).


Dan was in top form, even by the high standards he always sets, making friends with the likes of ‘Dave the C*t’ and an adversary of the drunken Caroline (“Are you really a pole dancer? Isn’t there some kind of union?”), who responded with stealing, then breaking, one of the Croaking hooters (“Get off, you mad Northern bitch!”), and then tugging at his mic cable (“Do you think I’d feel bad if I twtted her?”).


As it was the Xmas special, tenspotters had been set aside to go straight to the competition, and the maverick Rodney Marques got the ball rolling with some wicked gags on hecklers and comparing the Frog and Bucket stage to the Nuremberg rallies, getting two cards with some further jokes on the Holocaust and premature babies, only being croaked at 3:15 with a punchline involving a dead prostitute. The man’s a definite outlaw; I love him platonically.


Ginger-topped newcomer(?) Phil Lyngood was next, with a set about ginger people (prompting cries of “Racist!” from Chris Brooker in the sidelines, who later helpfully kept up a green card for one of the punters who went to the bar). Phil went on to some jokes about Turettes Bingo and old people, but stumbled a little, and was croaked at 3:30. The aforementioned Chris Brooker was next, but was destined to fall at the wily machinations of the vengeful Dan, who first urged the audience to “hum” Brooker on rather than applaud, then proceeded to heckle him (Brooker: “I’ll be doing this with director’s commentary” Dan: “This bit was shït, we had to cut it.”). Brooker earned his first Croaking from Dan (“He’s a headliner, gets paid weekend gigs, he doesn’t have to do this!”), at 3:10. Brooker threatened to bum him (anyone seen Dan since then?)


The deadpan erudite and newly-licensed Chris Judge was next, delivering well, but the audience wasn’t prepared to let Michael Parkinson get a shag, though Dan accommodatingly allowed him to reach his climax before Croaking him.


Bethany was next, resplendent in a latex dress, fur coat and top hat, the coat providing a funny gag, though for me her highlight was with what has to be one of the funniest gags involving your mother’s fanny. Despite the growing interruptions from the front crowds, she became the first this night to Beat the Frog. David Blair finished off the first half of the competition in self-effacing style, starting with some musings on the idea of Eminem guest-starring on the Muppet Show, before swiping at the music industry in general, but the audience decided to be cruel, and he was croaked at a respectable 1:50.


The second half of the comp began with Dan making friends with Caroline, who said he was cute (true enough). But the people at her table, and at the adjacent tables, seemed determined to be a bit tw*ttish. Steph Davies found this out, as she spent her time verbally sparring on several fronts, holding her own and still managing to make people laugh, and Beating the Frog. The rapid-fire Ross Wagman was next, straight and sure and confident as ever, but fell afoul of the Nightingale during his gag on Scally Hunting, despite Dan having his mic taken from him at one point, and Croaked. Dan took the stage and finished Ross’ joke, as another free drink was offered to him (“I’m getting paid to get drunk up here! I love it!”).


The delightful Daisy was next, offering new material on her experiences in the auditions for the new Doctor Who series, raising laughs from audience members and other comics alike with her impression of the T-1000 android and the idea of K-9 in specialist doggy porn. But she too fell afoul of one of the drunks in the audience, and Croaked. Adam Bowman was next, doing absolutely nothing wrong except going up against the force field of tw*ttishness that seemed to have arisen at that point, and Croaked.


Andy Watson followed in frenetic style, and the audience once again started seeing reason, enjoying his jokes and delivery (which forcused more on the jokes than the effects this time), and deservedly Beat the Frog. Tony Warren (newcomer? Forgive me if not) finished the competition with what seemed to me a too-low-key delivery of material consisting of wanking, punctuated with some less-than-fresh punchlines, and Croaked.


In the end, Bethany, the absent Steph and Andy made it through, and though it was close, a delighted-looking Andy Watson won his first Frog - congratulations!


The long-awaited Die Clattershenkenfietermaus were our headliners, and though Karl and Gunter may be “Europe’s worst techno funk band”, they make side-splitting comics with their deadpan outrageousness. Once they announced “Greetings, drunken angry retards of the Frog and Bucket”, anyone with half a brain knew they were in for an unforgettable experience. We were regaled with indescribable songs with titles such as “Father Christmas for Justice”, “Panic Attack”, “Christmas Kitten”, “Dead Clown”, and the classic “Love Me In Your Mouth” (as Gunter put it, “Who needs f**king Live Aid when you’ve got that?”).


They were merciless to hecklers (“Suck my little cck”, “We’ll follow you home and piss on your ironing”, and my own inexplicable favourite, “What have you been eating, Ugly Sandwiches?”). They offered nihilistic talking baby doll versions of themselves, Karl in a nappy, and the wonderful Dave Ingram as the Christmas Gravel Elf. Original and uncompromising and damn funny. As the by-now-nicely-sozzled Dan pointed out, “Anyone who didn’t get Die Clattershenkenfietermaus – fk off.” Hear, hear.*


“We’ve hung a baby… I can’t believe we did that…”






And your winner Mr. Andy Watson

Fancy yourself as the next Perrier Winner? Book a spot at Beat the Frog by calling Lee on 0161 236 9805